Journal

June 23, 2024, 1:45 PM

YESTERDAY WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!!! I'M OFFICIALLY 15!!! (actually 2 in real time but mentally 15 lol) but we all kinda forgot because we were distracted going to a pride parade for the first time! it was really cool though, we wore a niqab/abaya oufit with trans colors, and a lot of people got excited seeing it. it was also really cool to see all kinds of queer people gathered in one place. it was a really diverse and energetic crowd!

June 19, 2024, 4:38 PM

today is going better than the past few days! we've been really depressed and anxious, but today we woke up early and got to pray fajr, so that's already a good start to the day. then i took the ADHD meds (VERY GOOD IDEA!!!! WE KEEP FORGETTING TO DO THAT!!!!) so i was able to get a LOT of work done. really proud of myself for that!

June 17, 2024, 12:05 PM

we're not doing well. yesterday was eid and we went to a brunch with a lot of people, and that was nice. but for the rest of the day we felt really depressed. lots of self-esteem/anxiety issues. we might be doing a little better today, but i still feel tired and unmotivated. i might ask our mom if she can help us find a therapist again, because we were in therapy for a long time and i think it helped.

June 15, 2024, 12:50 PM

in islam, today is called the Day of Arafah! its the day right before Eid Al-Adha, and its very recommended to fast today, so we're trying to do that. we've never fasted before, so its pretty intimidating. i planned to wake up super early to make a nice breakfast,,,,, but then our alarm didnt go off, and when we woke up, the sun was already up. but we're still trying to do what we can! its difficult because i usually eat when im bored, but now its like im forced to find more productive things to do.

today's goals:

June 11, 2024, 5:30 PM

no offense but all the visitor headmates are really irresponsible rn lol. they keep showing up and wanting to front but then we're like "we have to do work" theyre like "no lets play video games" and honestly i relate a lot because im currently fighting the urge to play minecraft but like. if we dont work, we cant get new video games, and we'll also probably be hungry too. i want orange chicken. but i have enough self control to try to work before we get orange chicken.

today's goals:

• pray the rest of today's salah on time (2/3)
• study arabic
• take evening meds
• work on the vtuber model art (at least 1 hour)

June 9, 2024, 12:04 PM

Hello, I just made my page. I'm not new, I just don't front often. I'm not exactly sure why I'm fronting now, but it's alright. We are feeling fine and nothing particularly interesting is happening right now. Later in the day, inshallah we will visit our friend's house for the first session of a new Dungeons and Dragons campaign. It has been a long time since we have tried DND, and we have only ever been a DM (and not a very good one /lh) but I hope this session will go well. Our character is a Wizard Changeling, allowing us to change forms to accomodate for different headmates. We are a bit nervous about being openly plural around our singlet friends, and we keep worrying that our character's shapeshifting ability will grant them an unfair advantage, but our friends been nothing but supportive towards us. We don't know the DM very well, and I doubt he knows we're a system. I wonder how we will explain that? When we switch, we sometimes speak in different pitches and volumes. Maybe he will assume we're trying to voice act our character. Nevertheless, he's friends with our supportive friends, so he will most likely be supportive as well. In most cases, when we tell open-minded singlets about plurality, they do their best to understand, even if it is confusing.

Today's goals:

• Take morning meds
• Sketch that vtuber's new outfit
• Work on the other vtuber's rig (at least one hour)
• Take evening meds
• Study arabic
• Dhikr before bed

June 8, 2024, 5:32 PM

alright, we want to get back on track now! we've been a little disorganized in the past few days. but the good news is we got to spend some time with our friend, and willow finished washing/restuffing butterfly! now its the beginning of dhul hijjah, so it's a great time to be more focused on our faith and to be more productive and kind in general.

today's goals:

• clean room
• take a shower
• take evening meds
• study arabic
• dhikr after isha time

June 5, 2024, 11:43 PM

yesterday we spent most of the day hanging out with our friends. we went to the mall and bought matching necklaces of Sun/Moon from FNAF, to share with our fiance (we chose Sun of course). then we stopped by our fiance's house, and butterfly is completely dry now, so willow started filling her with new stuffing when we got back home. today, our friend is driving about two hours to visit us and stay for two days, so we're very excited about that. for now though, we should get some work done. i just took our medication and i'll start working on the vtuber commission's rig.

today's goals:

• take morning meds
• rig vtuber commission for at least 1 hour
• fix other rig commission
• take evening meds
• dhikr at isha time (since we cannot pray right now)

June 4, 2024, 11:08 AM

willow fronted a LOT yesterday because they finally agreed to wash and replace the stuffing for their plushie, butterfly! they were nervous at first because they felt like they were hurting him, but eventually they realized it was more like a surgery to help him. now we're at our fiance's house, and we brought butterfly with so he could dry on the back porch. willow is very impatient waiting for him to dry lol

June 3, 2024, 10:25 AM

we got so much done yesterday!! finally did some commission organization stuff on vgen, and also finished one commission. also, we did all the prayers on time (except fajr)!! alhamdullilah!! and thank you ben for helping :)

im starting to get more motivated to draw personal art again, and i drew ben last night because he wanted a new profile picture! he says he likes this new one a lot more.

today's goals:

• take morning meds
• set up the vtuber commission's rig
• put clean clothes away
• take evening meds
• pray the rest of today's salah on time (0/4)

June 2, 2024, 1:24 PM

unfortunately we woke up too late to pray fajr on time, but i still successfully took our medication. i also wrote my introduction on my page. yesterday we were very sleepy and kept taking naps, so we were not as productive as Preston hoped we would be. but now since we took our medication, i am hoping it will be easier to get work done. i have also not fronted in a while, but now that i am here, maybe i can help more.

today's goals:

• take morning meds
• take a shower
• finish rendering the vtuber commission
• finish the sketch commission
• fix the rig commission
• take evening meds
• put clean clothes away
• pray the rest of today's salah on time (4/4)

June 1, 2024, 8:17 AM

Happy June to the members of the LGBT community that may read this. Last night we were extremely irresponsible and careless with completing the to-do list...I blame Oliver, Austin, and Sunny. Anyway, today we are up early again, and it is a new month, so it is a new opportunity to do better.

Today's goals (mostly written in order):

• pray fajr on time
• take morning meds
• work on the vtuber commission for at least 1.5 hours
• pray dhuhr on time
• finish sketch commission
• start laundry
• dry laundry
• pray asr on time
• pray maghrib on time
• take evening meds
• brush teeth
• pray isha on time

May 31, 2024, 8:09 PM

for some reason our computer stopped connecting to the hotel wifi, so we couldnt easily update this website or do the work stuff we needed to do. but now we're home, and we took a nap really immediately. today has been long and tiring. lots of carrying stuff in and out of the car. now the sun is almost setting and we still have some stuff we need to do, so i'll make a to-do list.

evening goals:

• take evening meds
• pray last 2 prayers on time
• start laundry
• dry laundry
• test and send the rig commission

May 29, 2024, 9:24 AM

we're at a hotel now! yesterday went fine, although i didnt work as much as i planned, we walked around and went to the pool. alhamdullilah my mom didnt say anything about my hijab-friendly swimsuit! she was probably expecting it anyway. also, our hotel room is very big and has two bedrooms, so i'm sharing a room with my sibling and their partner. im still self conscious about praying while they're in the room, but they like to explore outside the hotel, so i've been using alone time as an opportunity for prayers. then this morning i prayed fajr while they were there, and it wasn't that scary! maybe i'll be more confident about it now.

i still really need to get that rush commission done. my sibling has been doing work for college, and this whole trip is for my mom's job (her and her coworkers go on a lot of business trips and have meetings, i don't really know why), so i guess i should be productive too.

i wasn't going to write a to-do list while on the trip, but stuff still needs to happen, so here we go:

• pray all salah on time, if we're not in public (for now i'm still too scared to pray in public, astagfirullah) (1/5)
• take morning meds
• finish that rush commission!!!
• take evening meds
• work for at least 40 minutes on the rig commission

May 28, 2024, 5:43 AM

so, today we're going with our family for a trip at a beach, and we'll be there three nights. im not sure how prayers will happen, because i hate praying where people can see me, and we'll probably be in a hotel with a bedroom that we all share. also, i haven't shown my mom my new hijab-friendly swimsuit, so i'm really not looking forward to hearing her reaction about it. i feel like she thinks im being pressured to wear hijab, but really its my own choice (if anything, i'm being pressured to take it off!)

OH ALSO!! i just remembered! yesterday my new khimar and abaya arrived!! and i wore them to the mall (with my fiance as moral support bc i was nervous lol). although i tend to avoid looking at people's faces, my fiance said that a lot of people glanced at me and smiled in a positive way! that kind of outfit is extremely rare over here, so i was really nervous about the possibility of being harassed. but nothing bad happened alhamdullilah :D

i dont usually share irl pics of myself but i want to show the outfit because i really like how it looks hehe

May 27, 2024, 6:43 AM

we woke up at like 4 AM today even though we usually wake up at 5:20, but at least that means i was more awake to pray fajr. anyway, i really need to finish that rush commission due at the end of the month, so im gonna try to prioritize that today. i also just started on my first vroid model commission! im still not sure if i'll publicly open vroid commissions, but i asked my friend if they wanted a super cheap one for their character, just so i could practice. 3D art is a lot more intimidating, but i like how the model looks so far.

today's goals:

• pray all salah on time (5/5)
• take morning meds
• finish the rush commission
• take evening meds

May 26, 2024, 10:25 AM

so we didn't meet all the goals on our list yesterday. luckily, today we got up earlier, so im feeling more motivated! in other news, i've been listening to a lot of the Clancy album by Twenty One Pilots, since it just came out and everyone's freaking out about it. my twin sibling is a youtuber and they made a video explaining all the lore before Clancy, and i've been doing my best to promote it, and now it's absolutely blowing up!! 18.6K views now!!! i'm super happy for them because i personally witnessed how much effort they put into it.

today's goals:

• take morning meds
• work on the rush commission (at least 1 hour)
• do one sketch commission
• take evening meds
• fold/hang up clean clothes
• pray all salah on time (5/5)

May 25, 2024, 1:40 PM

ok so im not really sure what happened, suddenly all our motivation and productivity from the last entry is now gone. yesterday rice kept fronting at random times, and they don't really care about keeping up with prayers (and i was also suddenly really indifferent to that, which sucks). anyway, lately we've been great at waking up super early in the morning, but today we woke up at like 1 PM. so now im just in a yucky mood. i think the only solution right now is to just use sheer willpower to do what we need to do, even if we don't feel like doing it. im thinking maybe we'll write our daily to-do list here, to hold us accountable since other people can read it.

so, here are our goals for today (we'll cross them out if we did them):

• take morning meds
• fold/hang up clean clothes
• work on the rush commission (at least 1 hour)
• take evening meds
• pray the rest of today's salah on time (4/4)

May 23, 2024, 3:11 PM

behold, the miracle called Consistently Taking Meds!! we take antidepressants and adderall and were so bad at taking them regularly, sometimes skipping weeks at a time, just because it's hard to swallow the pills. obviously this messes up our brain and our mood gets really inconsistent! but now we've been taking them at the same time as our mom takes her meds, so she can remind us every day! its still not fun to swallow the pill (flavored drinks make it easier), but now we can't use the excuse of "we forgot", and we'll also feel bad if we don't listen to our mom (she gets worried about us a lot)

anyway, now we're in a great mood! feeling more productive than we have in a long time. i woke up at 5:20 to pray fajr, and we love mornings so we stayed awake and worked on this website! but this time we didn't get consumed by hyperfixating (well i kinda did but not as bad as usual), instead i stayed mindful of the passing time, and eventually i was like "okay enough of this, time to get work done" because we've been procrastinating a lot.

so then i worked on vtuber commissions (that's what we do for a living)! i didn't keep track of how long i worked, but it was probably more than 3 hours, which is definitely more than we usually do. i also prayed dhuhr right on time, right as i got the notification that it was time for it (which is rare, i tend to put it off because i dont want to interrupt whatever im doing, but i think it's nice to pause and take a break to pray and reflect)

so i guess ths is a note to future me, and any other headmates... TAKE YOUR MEDS!!!! YOU'LL FEEL BETTER!!!!

May 23, 2024, 9:09 AM

I made my source public on my page. Until now, I've tried to hide it because I am embarrassed. My source-self is very cruel and violent, and unfortunately I've inherited some of his personality. However, I'm trying to improve as a person, separate from him, even if I find it difficult to care about others. I do truly want what's best for myself and my headmates, so I should behave in a way that is appropriate. I just don't want people to be afraid of me.

May 22, 2024, 8:53 AM

we're feeling better today! last night i felt awful because of how much we were hyperfocusing (hours of staring at a screen in a dark room...not so great for our health) but then willow helped do the last salah prayer of the day, and then fell asleep immediately. i woke up feeling much more refreshed, and i easily did the morning prayer! i was worried that our faith was disappearing like it always does when an interest leaves the 'honeymoon phase', but doing the prayers helped a lot.

May 21, 2024, 10:41 PM

dude. willow was right, the hyperfixation is CONSUMING us.... we missed 2 prayer times (and we're still procrastinating on the last one of the day) because i just sat here working on this website.... i kinda saw it coming, because we remembered to take our adderall today so we're better at focusing, but unfortunately we ended up focusing on this instead of something important. kinda inconvent. on the bright side, now we're better at making websites lmao

May 21, 2024, 5:18 PM

hii i wanna write the first entry!! im writing on the phone so its kinda hard, but i dont feel like waiting to get home. i feel like neocities is gonna become a brief hyperfixation hehe, we'll have to make sure we don't forget about other responsibilities. we have some commissions to work on, and we need to keep up with salah prayers (a very important part of being muslim!!)

besides that, we're doing okay. we ordered some clothes and we're really impatient waiting for them to arrive, but it might take over a week!